TOTAL RECALL: TOTAL POO

I am a huge fan of Arnie’s films from the 80s and 90s. Who can forget the berserk look he had during his fights during the Conan films? Or the tongue-in-cheek humour and self-deprecation to be observed in most of his roles?

When he crossed over from the dark side to become an all-American hero in films like True Lies it was obvious that his best days were over and when the Terminator became a good guy, well we knew that the reign of the King was drawing to a close.

However, let’s look at the original Total Recall. As soon as we hear the opening music, we know we’re in for a great Arnie film. I remember seeing it for the first time in an open-air cinema in July in Seville and enjoying (almost) every minute. I hated, and still do, the scene where the air supply to the mutants is cut off and we see a little girl swan gracefully and forlornly towards the huge decelerating fan. However, this scene excepted, the film is great fun, a true roller-coaster of violence, special effects and tension.

Last night I went to see the new version. It was Total Poo. From the outset, it was trying too hard and too consciously not to be a remake of the 1990s original. The result was that we were served up a rather unappetising mixture of Blade Runner aesthetics, somehow emulsified with elements of The Singapore we see in Pirates of the Caribbean at World’s End. Aesthetically derivative, it was also visually confusing as morceaux of I Robot action (and plot) and The Fifth Element cityscapes battered the eye. Too much was going on. There was too much, literally vertiginous, architectural detail, with bits of cities floating in the air. Why? If, in the present day we are trying to conserve as much energy as possible, I just don’t believe that in the not-too-distant future huge amounts of energy will be wasted just so that we can live in Troy-like palimpsest cities with one version built above the other. I suppose that the argument is that as the cities cannot extend into the badlands, they have to expand upwards. Never heard of skyscrapers, huh?

How much energy would an anti-grav car need anyway? A lot more than your average family runabout of today I reckon.

And, why can’t the badlands be recovered? Apparently they are just a surrpetitous tube ride away. We never actually discover how London is protected from whatever nastiness lurks in the badlands. You travel there on a secret train wearing a gas mask that is totally unnecessary once you get off. Perhaps people in the future fart more on trains than they do now due to their synthi-food. Perhaps they all have BO. I can think of no other explanation.  

And why does the BFU want to overrun Australia? Life there seems just as nasty as at home. And all this crap about The Fall that connects the two countries via a tunnel through the centre of the Earth which is also a symbol of the BFU’s oppression of its colony? Come on, what’s that all about? If they can build that, why can’t they clean up the farty atmosphere in the London badlands? 

Come to think of it, why don't they clean up the farty atmosphere of the badlands of today's Londnon?

The film is grim. I wasn’t convinced by the plot or any of the characters. Even Bill Nighy was uninspired. It tries immensely hard not to be anything like the original and in that it succeeds admirably. The Arnie film is great cinema. This version is Total Poo.