How to Make the Perfect Pancake

Today I have decided to reveal the secret of making good pancakes. I  hasten to add that I am talking about proper pancakes, not the American mattress thingies. Apparently I am what the German, little-toe amputating, marmoset-swimming, pancake-eating nihilihsts in The Big Lebowski might call a pfanküchenmeister, even though until last week I had not eaten them for about 9 years. 
However, my children and their friends love them, so they have featured regularly on the breakfast menu when we are up the mountain.
This week however, there were no children present - just myself and my half-orange, as the Spanish call our significant other halves and at her insistence I cooked and ate them with her for the first time in years. They were delicious! A pleasure shared is a pleasure doubled.
OK, so here's the recipe - all measurements are approximate:

• Ingredients: A goodly wodge of sifted wholegrain flour. This is my children's discovery; it makes the mix creamier and gives the resulting pancake a greater consistency. This flour is also better for the digestive system and contributes to helping make your poo float - always a desirable outcome (excuse the unintended pun) - unless it turns out to be a persistent, unsinkable Tirpitz (Turdpitz?) requiring 2 or 3 flushes and aerial bombardment with a squadron of Fairey Swordfish - or a bogbrush. 
• A free-range egg at room temperature.
• A pinch of sea salt - if possible, use Atlantic salt flakes from the saltpans of Cádiz, (does this make its main producer, Sanlúcar de Barrameda, a Mormon stronghold as in Salt-Flake City?) but don't try to snaffle your own - you tend to find yourself thigh-deep in mud, have to throw away a pair of unsalvageable jeans and drive home  in your stinking, stained undies. This can be rather embarrassing if you are staying in a flat in the city centre and have to cross the road to reach the apartment building looking and smelling like a Glaswegian alkie who has had a rather explosive accident.
• 1 1/2 generous dobbles of full-fat milk. Goat's milk is another possibility, but it gives the pancakes a sort of footy tang. When making savoury pancakes this does add a certain dimension to the experience, but it isn't really recommended for sweet ones.
• Preparation: make a hole in the centre of the wodge of flour and crack the egg into it. Discard the eggshell. Sprinkle on the salt and mix the egg and flour together using a fork. 
• Dribble in some milk and mix. Repeat the process until you have dribbled in the full 1 1/2 dobbles.
• The mixture should now have the consistency of cream. If it is too thick, add more milk in fractions of a dobble, if too thin, sprinkle on more flour using deciwodges, etc. Don't worry if you make too much, it freezes perfectly well.
• Obviously the mixing part can be done using a blender, but where's the fun in that?
• Cooking: If possible use a special pancake pan or a dedicated skillet. Pour a small amount of sunflower oil into the pan and heat until the oil runs around the pan as promiscuously as drunken students at a fresher's ball. Pour in enough mixture to cover the pan to a depth of about 1/10 in.
• The pancake is done on one side when it moves over the surface of the pan with a noise like rustling paper. You might need to free up the sides to allow it to move. 
• Toss the pancake, or turn it over with a spatula - this latter is not so impressive and only for the cowards among us, erm, you. I never resort to the spatula, leading to admiringly rapturous cries of "What a perfect tosser!!!" from those present as I deftly practise the dexterous wrist-flicker's art to an appreciative public.
• When done on both sides, serve on a warm plate.
• If using hot plates, NEVER sit down to eat naked, whatever the food or the occasion - it will end in tears. Literally.

Fillings:
Believe me, after scarfing down these rolls of sugary delight, you will probably need a few. Try to get tooth-coloured fillings as the others contain mercury.
Favourite family fillers include: strawberry jam, chocolate spread, condensed milk in those rather amusing non-drip squeezy bottles (known by some local wags as culo de maricón); honey - idem, lemon and sugar.

Our favourite savoury fillings are: smoked salmon with cream cheese, cured ham, caviar, cured cod in olive oil, goat's cheese etc., washed down with liberal libations of pink champagne - all very decadent and expensive and best left for special occasions - unless you substitute rosé wine or Fino sherry. Then again any day can be a special occasion with or without the champers. It obviously depends on the company. And I was in the best of all possible company.

This English Patient - or paciente inglés - has waited a long time to make these pancakes for his once and future Queen, and will do so again at the drop of a hat.

Wanna nother pancake, green eyes?
 All you gotta do is whistle!